Dear J, your suicide changed my entire life
Dear J,
13 years ago tomorrow my entire world changed. Little did I know your life ending actually, somehow, started mine.
If I had known the thoughts behind your in-genuine smile, or the plan you were set upon... I would've handled that day differently.
I can't go back in time, but I can finally share, publicly, what that day did to me.
I remember being restless because it was the Wednesday we were getting interims for school. I couldn't remember if I had done well in science to where I was able to push that D into a C. All day I wondered and hoped I had done well enough. I didn't want a lecture from my parents.
Around 2nd period I remember receiving mine and breathing a sigh of relief. I had no D in sight and I was finally able to go on through the day with no worry. Life was great, I thought.
You weren't at school that day. You stayed home. I think you were sick. All week prior we had been arguing, just like 15 year old girls do. We shared a best friend and when the two of you battled, I was in there defending who I felt was right from my little shitty point of view.
AIM was life. We would argue, leave away messages, write LiveJournal entries and play the game of 'who cares less' and 'who didn't actually read' while we all knew we were stalking one another, ready for the next argument about what ever the fuck was even going on. Was it over a boy? I don't even remember because it wasn't that important.
I do remember We all had said some pretty awful shit to each other.
As I got home around 2 PM that day, your away message was unusual. It had a goodbye letter link to your LiveJournal. Naively, her and I thought this was another ploy for attention, as we all did stupid shit like that during tenth grade.
I suggested to her since we all lived in the same neighborhood, we would just show up to your house and confront you once and for all to be done fighting and be friends again.
I wish our approach could've been 10 hours sooner.
You were struggling. You had treatment, surgeries and plenty of reasons to question life and be frustrated. But, I didn't know it went that far. I thought, when we spoke and you put on that beautiful huge smile that you truly were accepting your reality and hopeful for the future we all planned.
Do you remember us walking home the long way, so I could see my crush? You told me he was so funny and nice and you once crushed on him, too. Your laughter is something I still can hear when I think of it. You were so cheerful and convincing.
That day changed my life, J. Not in a way that I'm turning your suicide into a story about 'me me me' but, I was there. I found you, before your own parents. I do wish I could un-see what I saw. But, sometimes, it's the exact image that changes me. I think about you every single day.
See, before I knew anything about suicide, I just thought it was something older, lonely, people did when they were divorced and saw no reason to live any more. I thought, in the books it's always just for a dramatic addition. I never actually knew in my little young brain that people our age, 15 and 16, struggled so deeply they too could have thoughts so strong that it resulted into taking your own life.
I was angry, fucking angry, for a very long time. I wrote poems. So. Many. Poems.
I was mad at you. I didn't understand. I was 15. I was hurting, I was confused, I was emotional yet strong yet sad yet brave. Did you know pathetic fucking classmates actually blamed me and her??? They literally blamed us. From their point of view, reading LiveJournal comments back and forth where we cussed each other out was valid enough that this was definitely only a decision made from our feuding. I wondered, did they even know you? Where were these 'friends' the last 10 years of your life? Did they even know about your surgeries and struggles and constant need to defend yourself that you're okay when in reality you weren't?
After the blaming subsided, I remained angry. Although I was 15 and confused, I deep down always knew that I had no part in your decision. This was something your pain planned. This wasn't an impulsive decision on a random Wednesday morning. This was bigger. I'm proud that I was smart enough to know this wasn't my fault, because had I been that naive who knows if I may have followed suit. No one deserves to feel that way. Fuck those people for trying to inflict such pain.
Over the years I grew obsessed with death. Your suicide was the first I experienced but sadly, it became the first of many. To date I have known 3 others who took their own lives; but unlike yours, I wasn't close friends with them. I grieved differently.
Your life ending taught me that we do not know what another person is battling internally. We don't. We can assume the best of people by the image they put out, but what are they feeling? That doesn't show clearly. Even if you're looking, it doesn't show.
Ever since that Wednesday I had a new outlook on many parts of life. I no longer joined any arguments that weren't directly involving me. I didn't go out of my way any more to add any negativity in an already negative situation. I try to heal. I try to bring peace. I even went as far as putting two people fighting, who I love, into the same room to talk it out. I was called Dr. Phil for awhile, and I took it as a compliment. Someone could've easily assumed it was from watching his shows; but that was just half of it. The bigger half was you. You taught me patience, love, and awareness.
It's hard sometimes to be so damn aware of everything at all times, but, if it means that I'm just more tuned in and focused on emotions and energy, then so be it. Ever since your suicide I have almost made it a life mission to be the person others, anyone, can come to. To open up to. To confide in. If I can listen to someone's pain or struggle and speak that I do care and I am here, who knows, maybe I can stop someone's inner thoughts of that painful voice that just so desperately wants all the suffering to end.
There is hope, and there is help. Suicidal thoughts are isolating, though. They creep in and hook you, and they convince you that you are right and you're a burden. But you're not. I wish I had known this before you. I wish so badly I could've learned these things earlier in life so I could have perhaps changed your decision. I miss you. I hurt when I think of your younger brother and wonder what he's up to. Does he think of you daily? Does he cry on your birthday? What about your big sister? Is she doing okay? I won't ever know these answers, but, I think of your parents and siblings every single day. I still drive past your house every single time I go to my parent's house. I just ... need to. I don't know if it brings me to a good or bad place, but I feel I need to. It recharges and confirms my life mission.
I've gone to your grave a total of 3 times in 13 years. After the 3rd time, I decided I didn't need to visit any longer because I literally have you on my mind every day. All my actions revert back to January 12, 2005. When co-workers are looking down and want to talk, regardless of our level of friendship, I listen. I try so hard to be a helping hand or a silent ear to just let people be. I know 100% had it not been for my experience with you, I may very well not give a shit. I would, like at 15, assume everyone's fine. They got it. They can handle whatever. Their issue, not mine. and move along, like many do. But I no longer have that choice. I feel responsible to always be there. I don't say this in a way that I'm carrying some burden and not living my own life, that isn't it. It's more of, I know what I've gone through, and I would hate for anyone else to ever have to experience it. I'm trying to turn a tragic situation into some kind of positive. I do not mind the responsibility at all. Overwhelming at times, but worth it.
I don't know why this year, out of all, has been the heaviest for me. Maybe it's because we are approaching 30 soon and I'm reflecting on where you would be. What you would be doing. How you may have become a mom. I don't know. But I'm thinking of you. I'm always thinking of you. I know you didn't mean for me and her to find you, but that's something that happened and no one will ever know why. I suppose in the end, it's better us than your mom or dad. I don't know.
The word alone, suicide, is so deep for me. I instantly see you, how we found you, and a flood of memories and feelings come back. each. and. every. time. But, right after, it reconfirms what I can do in this world by just being me. The me after that experience. I promise I will never change. I can't.
Thank you for showing me that we are all great actors in this world. We don't know what's going on with others. We don't know if us cutting someone off on the road or yelling at a clerk could be their last straw to a decision they've contemplated for long. We don't. And that is why I am the way that I am. People have literally been bothered with how open I am or why I stay friendly to people who are 'asshole fuck faces' that have 'done them wrong' but they don't know what the fuck I've seen and they don't know what the fuck I've learned from it. They question loyalty while I wonder if the person is acting out due to pain inside. So, thank you. You have made me better even though it was done in the most unexpected of ways. I love you, I hope you're around us, and I'm so sorry that I didn't know. I would change that entire day, if I could.
I miss you very much and I hope you're not hurting any more. RIP, beautiful.
xox,
S
If you are feeling alone and having thoughts of suicide, please believe me, you are in no way alone. You are not a burden. People do love you. Talk to someone. Open up. Don't isolate yourself. Do not feel that your thoughts are final. Things always get better, it just takes time. Love yourself because you are so important and special. There is no other you. If you don't have friends or family you can talk to, write to me. I'm here. If that's too personal, call this hotline, it will help so much. I love you.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
If you're ever wondered if our experiences change us, allow me to be proof that they do. We go through things and they either make us better or they make us bitter. I hope you can see the positive outlook in any situation and come out better, eventually.
13 years ago tomorrow my entire world changed. Little did I know your life ending actually, somehow, started mine.
If I had known the thoughts behind your in-genuine smile, or the plan you were set upon... I would've handled that day differently.
I can't go back in time, but I can finally share, publicly, what that day did to me.
I remember being restless because it was the Wednesday we were getting interims for school. I couldn't remember if I had done well in science to where I was able to push that D into a C. All day I wondered and hoped I had done well enough. I didn't want a lecture from my parents.
Around 2nd period I remember receiving mine and breathing a sigh of relief. I had no D in sight and I was finally able to go on through the day with no worry. Life was great, I thought.
You weren't at school that day. You stayed home. I think you were sick. All week prior we had been arguing, just like 15 year old girls do. We shared a best friend and when the two of you battled, I was in there defending who I felt was right from my little shitty point of view.
AIM was life. We would argue, leave away messages, write LiveJournal entries and play the game of 'who cares less' and 'who didn't actually read' while we all knew we were stalking one another, ready for the next argument about what ever the fuck was even going on. Was it over a boy? I don't even remember because it wasn't that important.
I do remember We all had said some pretty awful shit to each other.
As I got home around 2 PM that day, your away message was unusual. It had a goodbye letter link to your LiveJournal. Naively, her and I thought this was another ploy for attention, as we all did stupid shit like that during tenth grade.
I suggested to her since we all lived in the same neighborhood, we would just show up to your house and confront you once and for all to be done fighting and be friends again.
I wish our approach could've been 10 hours sooner.
You were struggling. You had treatment, surgeries and plenty of reasons to question life and be frustrated. But, I didn't know it went that far. I thought, when we spoke and you put on that beautiful huge smile that you truly were accepting your reality and hopeful for the future we all planned.
Do you remember us walking home the long way, so I could see my crush? You told me he was so funny and nice and you once crushed on him, too. Your laughter is something I still can hear when I think of it. You were so cheerful and convincing.
That day changed my life, J. Not in a way that I'm turning your suicide into a story about 'me me me' but, I was there. I found you, before your own parents. I do wish I could un-see what I saw. But, sometimes, it's the exact image that changes me. I think about you every single day.
See, before I knew anything about suicide, I just thought it was something older, lonely, people did when they were divorced and saw no reason to live any more. I thought, in the books it's always just for a dramatic addition. I never actually knew in my little young brain that people our age, 15 and 16, struggled so deeply they too could have thoughts so strong that it resulted into taking your own life.
I was angry, fucking angry, for a very long time. I wrote poems. So. Many. Poems.
I was mad at you. I didn't understand. I was 15. I was hurting, I was confused, I was emotional yet strong yet sad yet brave. Did you know pathetic fucking classmates actually blamed me and her??? They literally blamed us. From their point of view, reading LiveJournal comments back and forth where we cussed each other out was valid enough that this was definitely only a decision made from our feuding. I wondered, did they even know you? Where were these 'friends' the last 10 years of your life? Did they even know about your surgeries and struggles and constant need to defend yourself that you're okay when in reality you weren't?
After the blaming subsided, I remained angry. Although I was 15 and confused, I deep down always knew that I had no part in your decision. This was something your pain planned. This wasn't an impulsive decision on a random Wednesday morning. This was bigger. I'm proud that I was smart enough to know this wasn't my fault, because had I been that naive who knows if I may have followed suit. No one deserves to feel that way. Fuck those people for trying to inflict such pain.
Over the years I grew obsessed with death. Your suicide was the first I experienced but sadly, it became the first of many. To date I have known 3 others who took their own lives; but unlike yours, I wasn't close friends with them. I grieved differently.
Your life ending taught me that we do not know what another person is battling internally. We don't. We can assume the best of people by the image they put out, but what are they feeling? That doesn't show clearly. Even if you're looking, it doesn't show.
Ever since that Wednesday I had a new outlook on many parts of life. I no longer joined any arguments that weren't directly involving me. I didn't go out of my way any more to add any negativity in an already negative situation. I try to heal. I try to bring peace. I even went as far as putting two people fighting, who I love, into the same room to talk it out. I was called Dr. Phil for awhile, and I took it as a compliment. Someone could've easily assumed it was from watching his shows; but that was just half of it. The bigger half was you. You taught me patience, love, and awareness.
It's hard sometimes to be so damn aware of everything at all times, but, if it means that I'm just more tuned in and focused on emotions and energy, then so be it. Ever since your suicide I have almost made it a life mission to be the person others, anyone, can come to. To open up to. To confide in. If I can listen to someone's pain or struggle and speak that I do care and I am here, who knows, maybe I can stop someone's inner thoughts of that painful voice that just so desperately wants all the suffering to end.
There is hope, and there is help. Suicidal thoughts are isolating, though. They creep in and hook you, and they convince you that you are right and you're a burden. But you're not. I wish I had known this before you. I wish so badly I could've learned these things earlier in life so I could have perhaps changed your decision. I miss you. I hurt when I think of your younger brother and wonder what he's up to. Does he think of you daily? Does he cry on your birthday? What about your big sister? Is she doing okay? I won't ever know these answers, but, I think of your parents and siblings every single day. I still drive past your house every single time I go to my parent's house. I just ... need to. I don't know if it brings me to a good or bad place, but I feel I need to. It recharges and confirms my life mission.
I've gone to your grave a total of 3 times in 13 years. After the 3rd time, I decided I didn't need to visit any longer because I literally have you on my mind every day. All my actions revert back to January 12, 2005. When co-workers are looking down and want to talk, regardless of our level of friendship, I listen. I try so hard to be a helping hand or a silent ear to just let people be. I know 100% had it not been for my experience with you, I may very well not give a shit. I would, like at 15, assume everyone's fine. They got it. They can handle whatever. Their issue, not mine. and move along, like many do. But I no longer have that choice. I feel responsible to always be there. I don't say this in a way that I'm carrying some burden and not living my own life, that isn't it. It's more of, I know what I've gone through, and I would hate for anyone else to ever have to experience it. I'm trying to turn a tragic situation into some kind of positive. I do not mind the responsibility at all. Overwhelming at times, but worth it.
I don't know why this year, out of all, has been the heaviest for me. Maybe it's because we are approaching 30 soon and I'm reflecting on where you would be. What you would be doing. How you may have become a mom. I don't know. But I'm thinking of you. I'm always thinking of you. I know you didn't mean for me and her to find you, but that's something that happened and no one will ever know why. I suppose in the end, it's better us than your mom or dad. I don't know.
The word alone, suicide, is so deep for me. I instantly see you, how we found you, and a flood of memories and feelings come back. each. and. every. time. But, right after, it reconfirms what I can do in this world by just being me. The me after that experience. I promise I will never change. I can't.
Thank you for showing me that we are all great actors in this world. We don't know what's going on with others. We don't know if us cutting someone off on the road or yelling at a clerk could be their last straw to a decision they've contemplated for long. We don't. And that is why I am the way that I am. People have literally been bothered with how open I am or why I stay friendly to people who are 'asshole fuck faces' that have 'done them wrong' but they don't know what the fuck I've seen and they don't know what the fuck I've learned from it. They question loyalty while I wonder if the person is acting out due to pain inside. So, thank you. You have made me better even though it was done in the most unexpected of ways. I love you, I hope you're around us, and I'm so sorry that I didn't know. I would change that entire day, if I could.
I miss you very much and I hope you're not hurting any more. RIP, beautiful.
xox,
S
If you are feeling alone and having thoughts of suicide, please believe me, you are in no way alone. You are not a burden. People do love you. Talk to someone. Open up. Don't isolate yourself. Do not feel that your thoughts are final. Things always get better, it just takes time. Love yourself because you are so important and special. There is no other you. If you don't have friends or family you can talk to, write to me. I'm here. If that's too personal, call this hotline, it will help so much. I love you.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
If you're ever wondered if our experiences change us, allow me to be proof that they do. We go through things and they either make us better or they make us bitter. I hope you can see the positive outlook in any situation and come out better, eventually.
Comments
Post a Comment