Not all pain is physical, and not all physical pain is visible.

I am so sick of crying. I hate feeling helpless and I hate being in pain. 

When someone is crying and you ask, "hey what's wrong?" Normally, you expect an answer that gives something of an explanation as to why this person is crying. Humans are curious and want to know what causes things to happen. 

When I cry and someone asks me what's wrong, I answer, "my lower back hurts again" 

This may not sound like a reasonable explanation to someone who has never experienced lower back pain. Those words could easily to the unknowing person sound like "my stomach hurts" "my hand is cramping" things that are taken as common and fixable. 

Well, allow me to give you some insight as to what the words "my lower back hurts again" really means, from my experience. 

My back pain all started on Mother's Day 2013. I woke up excited to go fishing with my boyfriend and his family. I jumped out of bed, peed, and went to brush my teeth. 

As I bent down to brush my teeth I felt some weird, odd, sharp feeling that was in my lower back. I'd never felt anything like it, but I often crack my back as a habit, so I figured something popped and I'll just stretch and crack my back to get the day started. 

I went to go walk my dogs and I noticed my lower back began to feel really weird and now I could say the word, hurt. It was really hurting. Throbbing. Feeling like I needed to put pressure on it, hold it, or have someone heavier than me step on it. 

I managed to walk my dogs around the apartment circle and I went upstairs to ask my boyfriend to please....step... on my back? 

He thought I was so crazy but I had to have him or something with weight just put pressure on it. So he did, I felt no relief so we packed up to get the day going. 

On our 30 min car drive I noticed it was hard to sit down and it was even harder getting up. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. We stopped at Wal-mart and other places to get a few things and the entire time I was holding my back with my right hand just putting pressure towards the middle part of the my lower back and kind of massaging it.

During fishing, I sat the entire time (minus a few mins for a few selfies, lol) and I prayed for this feeling to go away. My mother in law had some advil on her, so I popped a few and prayed some more for this stupid feeling to just go away. Sometimes, when I can't wait for something to be over I repeat silently in my head "just a few more hours and you'll be home doing whaaaatever you want!" 

On the way home I began to cry. The pain was increasing and I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I finally decided maybe I better go to a clinic and see if professionals have answers because I surely don't. 

We stopped at Care Spot (especially because I didn't have health insurance) and the doctor there explained to me that my lumbar spine area was inflamed and sometimes people have weak muscles and this area can be affected and it is indeed very painful. He explained it can happen from lifting weights, turning the wrong way, or sudden movement. Basically, anything can set it off.

I told him this happened to me when I brushed my teeth and as I bent down to spit that's when I felt it...something I fucking do every morning. I didn't understand why THIS one time was different and my body wanted to go fucking crazy.

Well, anyway, he gave me a cortisone shot for temporary relief as well as prescribed me some steroids to help with the recovery. I was home for the next several days just resting, sitting, taking this steroid and painfully attempting to walk my dogs twice a day while my boyfriend wasn't home. I was really upset. 

Also, this was May 2013 and what I didn't mention is that January 2013 I began a healthy lifestyle where I ate clean and healthy as well as worked out FIVE to SIX times a week. When the doctor told me I had to rest for a week or so, I cried in front of him in fear of gaining weight back because I had come down during this time 35 pounds. I was so sad that I wouldn't be able to do gym routines, but I wanted to get better, so I just prayed for a quick recovery.

I think if I remember correctly day 4 and 5 is where I felt the most relief and I began to have hope that this pain was really gonna finally be over. From mother's day to day 3 the time was just horrible. Sitting hurt, getting up hurt, moving hurt, not moving hurt, I didn't know what to do. If I found a comfortable position on the couch or bed it was as if I had found GOLD and I just wanted to stay like that for hours, until I absolutely had to get up.

So, that was the start of my awful back pain journey. When the medicine was over, I thought this experience was, too. I was wrong.

The next episode I had was ON MY BIRTHDAY. So, March 2014. 

Ready for this? 

I fucking sneezed while I was sitting down on my couch and I felt that same awful feeling. 

My mind was going in so many directions.

Really? Again? Why? What the fuck? On my birthday? Is this for real? I can't believe this.

I wish I could go back in time and un-sneeze.

It was almost a year since the first time this happened, so I really thought I would never have to go through that again. Well....I did. Here I was turning 25 and feeling as if I turned 50. 

As mentioned before, it started off with a sharp feeling, almost like something in my lower back was being pulled apart. Soon after the throbbing begins where it just hurts to do anything. 

I thought this time, I'll out smart the pain. I decided to go get a massage, and also just go ahead and become a member so I can return regularly for monthly visits. 

I went to get the massage and felt little relief after. So, I told my parents what was going on, just to inform them, and my dad mentioned if I needed another cortisone shot for temporary relief and help, there was a doctor that he knew personally who could do it for me even though I don't have insurance. I was planning to go to Care Spot again, but I guess why pay $199 when you know someone who will do it for $30 co-pay. So, I went. 

I got the shot and like before, a few days later I was finally back to normal. 

The third time I had this shit happen was really close to the second time. April 2014 (the last week of April) so about 7 weeks after my birthday. 

This is the one I have foggy memories of because I don't remember what I was doing when the pain came back, but what I do remember is that I couldn't go to class for finals nor could I present a project that I had worked on for the past three months. I couldn't drive and I couldn't move. This episode was different because somehow my lower back pain now has turned into sciatica nerve pain.

JUST SHOOT ME ALREADY.

I called out of work so many times from March-April because during this time I was a waitress meaning I'm running around the entire time I am working. There was no way in hell I could do that with this shit going on.

I could not fucking walk. I could not use the bathroom. I couldn't do anything. When I moved, my left leg was numb yet I would feel a charlie horse type of feeling from my butt to my hamstring to my foot.

The wrong kind of move and I was crying. I laid flat on my couch with both my legs propped up against the wall straight up for FOUR DAYS. On day 5 I felt some relief because I was taking medicine and I went to get another cortisone shot when I could finally move.

I never went to the ER for any of my episodes because I didn't want to rack up an expensive bill that I knew I couldn't afford, and after the first visit to Care Spot I felt I could take care of this occurrence the same way each time. 

 

This time scared me the most because not only did this happen so soon after the last time, but now my left leg was involved, my nerves were involved, I was just scared. Everything hurt and I didn't understand what I ever did to deserve this kind of horrible feeling. 

I wish something could explain it better or I had something to blame it on, "Oh yeah I had an accident and because of it, this happened" or I have this sickness and this is what happens. You know? Some kind of reason to understand and make sense. But I can't. I have nothing to say except brushing teeth and sneezing and doing REGULAR FUCKING THINGS. It's like living in fear that doing laundry the wrong way is gonna set off this pain. Bending down the wrong way. I hate it so much.

In early May 2014 when I finally had no more pain from the sciatica nerve or the lower back, I was afraid to begin working out again. I was afraid to walk, afraid to drive, afraid that something I do will bring back this awful pain. It was the worst.

Eventually, I wanted to live life again and not live in fear so I began to work out again slowly and get back into just living without thinking "any second now you could be in excruciating pain!" 

But here is today, July 2015, a little after a year from my last and most scary episode. The lower back pain monster is baaaack! 

This is why I spent my morning crying. I went to bed crying last night. I am in pain. I am sad.

Two weeks ago, I slept weird and couldn't turn my neck to the right so I paused my work outs. Then, when I got better, the following week (last week) I was sick the entire week and called out of my job three times. (I have graduated college, gotten a full time job, and I am currently in my 90 day probation period)

So, it was pretty bad. Viral infection had me messed up in my head, nose, throat and everything. 

Saturday, yesterday, was the fourth of July and I woke up feeling healthy and great. So, to celebrate, I decided to pick back up on my workout routine at home. 

I guess doing arms wasn't enough, so I was stretching (I found some good ways to stretch for sciatica nerve pain specifically) I decided to do some squats and add a little more sweat to the session. So, I did.

And then it happened. I was bending over touching my toes to stretch out one final time, and the feeling hit me. OH FUCK. I felt my back do it's thing and I thought.... "NO NO NO PLEASE NO" so I just sat down, massaged it, and tried to tell myself it would all be okay. 

It wasn't.

As the day went on, my back ached more and more feeling uncomfortable and me just holding it in the spot that hurt. I did errands that needed to get done but each time I sat in the car or got out of the car or walked I was in pain.

When I walked, I was hunched over because I couldn't stand up straight. I literally couldn't. I tried, and when I couldn't, I just cried. 

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sit well or lay, I just was miserable. I had the heating pad on me too, and it was helping a lot.

This morning I took some ibuprofen and got the heating pad back on and I've been taking it easy. I read you shouldn't sit in one place for too long because you need to let your blood flow and movement helps with blood flow. So I mustered up the strength to wash clothes and whatnot to get me moving around.

Four hours into my morning right before I cancelled on my girl friend for lunch, I realized I could stand up straight again. 

I was shocked and happy. I almost didn't believe it. So I'm thinking the ibuprofen is what is helping because I haven't gone to get a cortisone shot or anything. I'm hoping by tomorrow this entire painful feeling is just gone. Maybe me standing up straight is a good sign that the pain is leaving.

I just wish it never comes back. In the back of my mind I am always worried that today will be the day it comes back. It's helped me appreciate each day and not take any moments for granted that I feel well. I literally go to the gym and silently think to myself "there were times you couldn't walk... Do it now" 

It's really sad and it's really painful. So the next time I (or someone you know) is upset and says "it's my back again" please for everyone's sake, don't take it lightly and assume they'll just be fine. Don't assume that their cancelling on you just because they're bailing. The person telling you their in pain may not have blood or bruises to point at to prove the amount of pain their feeling, but I can assure you, it's a lot of fucking pain. 

Something I don't understand is the guilt I feel when I have to tell someone. I didn't choose this, I didn't ask for this, it is indeed out of my control, so why do I feel this guilt? I know if I do, others must too, so if you can relate with me on any level of going through pain, don't feel guilty. We didn't have control over this and people will just have to understand and take our words for what they are. 

I've also noticed I get very sad when these episodes occur because not only does it take a toll on my body and lifestyle of working, being active, and wanting to do things, it's just very stressful. Depressed feelings for no matter how little or long you feel them are no fun. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.

Not all pain is physical, and not all physical pain is visible. 

-ssr