No, I can't hang out
I got plenty of responses. The most popular was honesty coming in at 7 people stating so; then was a mix between loyalty, reliable, respect, acceptance, funny, trust, similar values, understanding, allegiance, and showing up.
Not one person who commented chose to state emotional support or companionship etc. Maybe those aren't what come to mind with the word quality but anyway, I read an article on Elle today and my favorite part was the breakdown of friendships by Dr. Brian Gillespie, PhD.
There are 3 attributes in a friendship. Most people will satisfy 1 area while another person satisfies another. It's rare to have all 3 found in ONE person.
The Three Attributes
- 1 Emotional support (talking a friend through a break up)
- 2 Instrumental support (helping a friend move)
- 3 Companionate support (watching Netflix with you)
Let me splain'
So it was a beautiful Florida day until it hit me like a bag of shit. I NEVER FUCKING HAVE ANY FREE TIME. WHERE IS MY (40%) INTROVERT ALONE TIME? WHY AM I ALWAYS RUSHING FROM ONE THING TO ANOTHER? WHY AM I ALWAYS SEEING SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, FOR SOMETHING? WHY IS MY BIRTHDAY DINNER RESERVATIONS ALWAYS OVER 20 PEOPLE (okay that's just me bragging =P) BUT, WHAT THE FUCK.
Oh, that's because apparently unlike normal humans instead of collecting rocks or candles or bugs I collected..... friends????
I LOOOOOOOOOOVE relationships. I kinda have an insanely amazing gift of keeping in touch with others, too.
I just....
I love that moment you relate to someone and have that 'yaaasss' feeling... or when you share something with another human and they either just get it or are super genuinely interested in learning about what ever it is giving you a boner. (haha,) or even when you learn you hate certain people in the world like rude customers or stupid racist people and you can hate-talk it all out with your friends! Or how about enjoying the same show, come on, that's the fucking best! Friends are instantly boosted to highest level of love for whatever show we decide we both are obsessing over. All other texts can wait, haha. Or even depression and anxiety, when you don't feel embarrassed or shameful because a friend loves you regardless of your moods or bad days? It got deep there.
I just love it and majority of my being is extrovert so when I am around loved ones my energy literally increases. Of course later I run to alone time in order to recharge but lately ... I don't have much alone time and that is what inspired this blog. I'M ON A JOURNEY, YALL.
If you thought I was weird, it's about to get weirder. I made a list today of actual relationships in my life. This goes from my parents all the way to the 1-2 childhood friends I still actively see when their not overseas and so on and so on. I did not include the cousins who live out of state that I only see for big events, I did not include EVERY person I've ever had coffee with. I did NOT include every co worker I ever liked and still talk to on FB (Meiche, you don't count, you my friend lol). I was as honest and sincere as possible. Individually there were 49 people. If I group up couples it drops a whopping few numbers to 43.
I divided up this list in multiple categories. There's main which includes my spouse, my family and a few close girlfriends. There was next occasional which is pretty self explanatory, then there was an area of people I typically only visit with IF and WHEN Donald is with me because these are 'couple' friends and finally there had to be a random area because where the hell would I put my childhood friend who is currently serving us in Afghan? (Thanks for your service, love!) I see her randomly!
From this paper I then counted which people I do see and how often.
0-1 times a year? That would be 15 (out of 43 total).
I next looked at how many do I see 2-3 times a year? This is 11.
How many do I see 5-6 times a year? 7.
The remaining TEN are a mix of family and close girl friends that I see regularly.
TEN is a lot of RELATIONSHIPS to juggle when we only have, oh I don't know, SEVEN days in a week.
I once posted this on FB
Truth, man ^
So without knowing about those 3 attributes, I never learned that I have yet to create boundaries. See, maybe there's "only ten" that I am seeing regularly, but there are far more that I keep an active relationship with on a monthly basis.
Having friends isn't a bad thing and doesn't always have to be seen as unhealthy when seeing a big number. The problem/difficulty comes when I realize that different times in my life provided me with different abilities and I simply cannot keep it the same as life goes on and change is welcomed.
So, where I once was ready to go grab coffee with any person just because I liked them and I had the time to, I'm now finding myself saying No, I can't, because their not within this 'list' I have. It doesn't mean I don't care for them or don't wish them well, it just means I am growing and desperately trying to balance my already larger than life circle of friends/loved ones. I will never half-ass a relationship, so my thoughts are "Why try to start this new friendship when I know I can't commit the way I want to."
I love people; I always have. I will never kick someone out of my life unless they have truly done something so awful or unforgiving. But I wish I had learned how to set healthy boundaries a lot sooner.
What happens is, no matter where a friend fell on my list of organization the truth is, no matter who it was at what time that needed me for either helping them move, or simply listening to them deal with an emotional time etc, I only always knew how to give 100% of me to each friend. I'm left now realizing I cannot do it any more. Not that I don't want to, but I literally can't. I don't have the capacity.
Also, where one area is filled too high, another area is naturally being neglected. It's unfair to my marriage and to my SELF that I keep providing 100% to all friends and then I come home exhausted or drained looking for alone time. I noticed this and I'm changing it.
When I look at the list and wonder, hmm, I give all 3 attributes just automatically; where do I find that I see all 3 inside ONE person? I counted 3 aside from my Donald.
This results to me taking a step back. Learning to get comfortable saying no to others (while I say hell yes to myself!) and basically 28 years later, creating healthy boundaries. I am repeating this phrase a lot on purpose because I need it to sink into all parts of my brain.
October was a good start. I began CrossFit to give myself something. I spaced out visits with people. I really tried to get a handle on what seems to be a no-brainer for others.
Photography...CrossFit...Writing.... I think I'm winning at life, guys! hahaha, just kidddding.
If I analyze all this deeply I know this isn't something anyone could've helped me with. I am an empath to the definition. I don't have to know your life story or even have you on this trash ass list in order to care about you. If someone calls upon me, I feel really energetic and ready to help. I always try to think that I can get to my own plans later, but that's not fair. I wouldn't bail on a friend so why do I constantly bail on myself? It's finally in the light and once I am aware of something, it's so sickening how hard it goes. I really love and hate how self-aware I am.
So if you are a friend of mine reading this, I hope you can understand if I am around less.
If you are someone on FB reading this thinking "no wonder we never got to have a hookah sesh!' it's because although I badly wanted to let you in, I just couldn't. I was already dealing with this internal reflection shit. I've kinda been dealing with this all year, but that's for another blog. 2017 was a big eye opener for me.
I love you all, if you are in my life please know how much you mean to me. No, you won't be on every single event invite, no you won't see me 24/7 yet wonder why and how I can see others 'regularly', and no, you won't find that I will explain myself. Because I shouldn't have to. I give all of my loved ones the benefit of the doubt and it's time that I get that back, too. It's hard for me to accept that I will unintentionally hurt someone, somewhere, along the way. I just hope everyone who read this can maybe, sorta, a little bit, understand that my heart is and has been always in the right place.
*Putting myself first starting in 5,4,3,....
Love,
s
inner thoughts ;)
- why the hell can't I ever have normal issues?
- no one gives a shit how many relationships you have
- you said you wouldn't explain yourself, yet this blog is an explanation
- will anyone even get what I'm trying to say?
- does anyone else think of this stuff? deal with this? am I like the only person who has some weird obsession over relationships?
- stfu and blog, bitch
- should I start blogging regularly.. like every Wednesday... wait I hate planned writing. It must always be authentic. ugh. no wonder I can't make money from being a writer.
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