I am so incredibly sad, thanks mother nature.
I hate being on my period every month. Not because of the cramps, not because of the bloating, not even because of all the obvious annoying things that come with.
Every 28 or 30 days I get so incredibly sad.
I can't help but think of where I am now, where I want to be, and where I was.
I find every opportunities to make myself cry. Commercials, Movies. Talks. Thoughts. Songs. Memories.
I don't even like crying.
I just love the feeling after a good cry. I feel so cleansed and renewed and healthy and ready to go run five miles or whatever.
What I don't love though is the feeling before the cry.
The build up.
The moments of fighting myself in my head. Crying loving Sumaira versus Crying hating Sumaira. Part of me wants to find a secret corner and let all the tears out to rush towards the finish and feel better, the other part, doesn't want to allow myself to cry and feel the feelings.
If crying hating Sumaira wins, the feelings turn into anger. Which then turn into mean Sumaira. I become distant and cold and say harmful things. Because really, I should just let myself fucking cry and be healthy and normal etc
but no, if I don't, I'm a monster. It's so ugly and it's so annoying.
So, on nights like tonight, I just cry.
I think of one thing, which leads to six thousand other things, and I cry and cry and cry.
Sometimes, I help myself out and pull out my millions of files of photos. It helps remind myself of all the things that have changed.
That's what photos are, anyway. Documentation of change.
I miss parts and I hate parts. But mostly, I miss how it felt in the photo.
The people changed, moved away, died, or simply drifted away. The photo stayed, so the memory stayed easy to re-visit.
Sometimes, I won't lie, I wanna throw away the photos and forget the memories. The less I can remember, the less real they were, right? hahaha. I know, I know, it doesn't work that way.
but the reminder doesn't help. Not on nights like tonight.
I just ..... I wish we could re-visit an old time and just re do some things. Change some things. Not because I regret anything, but just, what if this and what if that. God, I'm annoying myself.
The strength I have now, I would have loved to have then. It would be cool to see how different my life would be if I had the balls I have now and just said fuck you to every fucker I came across that took away any happiness of mine. You know, co workers, customers, randoms, etc.
anyway, that's all. I didn't actually cry yet. I just cried on the inside. It still counted because it's 10:20 PM and I can let it out for real before bed. haha. I win.
peaceeeeeee
-Sum
Every 28 or 30 days I get so incredibly sad.
I can't help but think of where I am now, where I want to be, and where I was.
I find every opportunities to make myself cry. Commercials, Movies. Talks. Thoughts. Songs. Memories.
I don't even like crying.
I just love the feeling after a good cry. I feel so cleansed and renewed and healthy and ready to go run five miles or whatever.
What I don't love though is the feeling before the cry.
The build up.
The moments of fighting myself in my head. Crying loving Sumaira versus Crying hating Sumaira. Part of me wants to find a secret corner and let all the tears out to rush towards the finish and feel better, the other part, doesn't want to allow myself to cry and feel the feelings.
If crying hating Sumaira wins, the feelings turn into anger. Which then turn into mean Sumaira. I become distant and cold and say harmful things. Because really, I should just let myself fucking cry and be healthy and normal etc
but no, if I don't, I'm a monster. It's so ugly and it's so annoying.
So, on nights like tonight, I just cry.
I think of one thing, which leads to six thousand other things, and I cry and cry and cry.
Sometimes, I help myself out and pull out my millions of files of photos. It helps remind myself of all the things that have changed.
That's what photos are, anyway. Documentation of change.
I miss parts and I hate parts. But mostly, I miss how it felt in the photo.
The people changed, moved away, died, or simply drifted away. The photo stayed, so the memory stayed easy to re-visit.
Sometimes, I won't lie, I wanna throw away the photos and forget the memories. The less I can remember, the less real they were, right? hahaha. I know, I know, it doesn't work that way.
but the reminder doesn't help. Not on nights like tonight.
I just ..... I wish we could re-visit an old time and just re do some things. Change some things. Not because I regret anything, but just, what if this and what if that. God, I'm annoying myself.
The strength I have now, I would have loved to have then. It would be cool to see how different my life would be if I had the balls I have now and just said fuck you to every fucker I came across that took away any happiness of mine. You know, co workers, customers, randoms, etc.
anyway, that's all. I didn't actually cry yet. I just cried on the inside. It still counted because it's 10:20 PM and I can let it out for real before bed. haha. I win.
peaceeeeeee
-Sum
good times.
