No one understands me (Fictional)

No one gets it, I feel so alone, all the time. Being surrounded by family or friends doesn't make a shit's difference. I feel as if no one can relate to what I've been through... I mean, how could they? They haven't been through it. I don't like isolating myself, but I find myself wishing I was alone while I am around others.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I seem to never be happy or able to be happy. I can't get over things. I hold grudges. I know my flaws. I don't need advice or anyone to listen. Wanna know why? Because that won't change a damn thing. I still don't have my mom, I never will again. I can vent and let it out, but what the fuck will that change? Will it make me feel lighter and happier? No. I will feel as if now whoever the fuck was bored enough to listen feels bad for me. Or feels happy they aren't me. Or feels like they don't know what to say or do, because truly they can't do or say anything. They most likely will then think of me as a burden....So this is why I don't let it out. I don't vent. I fucking stay to myself. The times I do see friends or other people who are family just by blood- I don't feel connected with anyone.

I wish Ryan was still in my fucking life. Why the hell would he leave me when I needed him most? What the fuck is wrong with HIM? Only someone so cruel would bail on a person when they need someone most. Not just anyone, but Him. The only person I felt understood me. He even made me want to be better. What the hell does that say about me? I have no self motivation, right? I can't do anything good unless it was to impress him? Wow. I'm such a shitty person. But Ryan's shittier.

I see him around with his new girlfriend. That dumb bitch that has both her parents and all her happiness. Good for her. Good for him, too. Too bad I don't feel that sincere. I actually hope she gets pregnant or they break up or one of them has to move away. I hate her for being the reason he left me. What is so special about her that he rather have had that? I did everything. I even had sex with him, and he was the only one who ever got to that level of intimacy with me. Maybe because I've only dated him my whole life. I never had other guys or interests or dates. He was it. Ryan was my life. And now I feel dead inside.

Someone should tell me to shut the fuck up and get over shit and move on. But all I can say to that person is "you don't understand"

Mom, if heaven even is out there and you are indeed watching over me, I'm sorry for being so negative and unhappy. I know you would want better for me. I just .... can't seem to find anything that makes me feel good. You were my best friend and the one person I could be my shitty self around. You made me laugh, always. I miss you so much it hurts. Dad's a piece of shit, as he was with you, nothing has changed. Tim joined the military, I assume to let out anger and stress. Who knows? Ryan left me, so your dream didn't happen. I tried to be perfect so that we would be married by now just like you always wanted. I know you loved him, too. I'm 25 now, a whole year has gone by, and still not doing anything different than where I was when you left. I feel like I want to just be with you and join you. It's not like I would be leaving anyone behind. I just don't have the guts to actually do that. I can wait. I wish Dad could've been the sick one. Not that I wish him dead, just, he's already basically dead to me. Oh, but he isn't single. Suddenly alcohol is his best friend. Is he drinking himself away? He didn't even give two shits about you. What is he grieving over?Just tell me, someone. Why did you have to go? I know you were sick...but I wish you could've held on. That's so selfish of me. But then again, that's who I am. I'm a selfish bitch, right? Everyone else prolly thinks so.

I'm here standing at your grave and all I can do is cry and cry and cry. I feel sick. I just want you back. I wish someone would just knock me upside my head and murder me already. At least then I'd appear as a hero in the news. I would be the girl who was a victim. Not the selfish bitch. That's how it works, right? Everyone on the news is always perceived as innocent and perfect with a happy life that was suddenly taken away. Ha. That's hilarious. It would be more of a favor to me. Fuck this shit. I hate myself. I hate this. I hate everyone. Hope you're safe and pain free, Mom, the only person who ever loved me forever.

-ssr

PS: Fictional write. I know this piece isn't AS OBVIOUS of what the moral/meaning behind it is, but what I hoped to get across is that everyone struggles in many different ways. For some, it lasts a lifetime sadly. Don't be mean to anyone, ever. You just don't know what they are holding in, holding back. You being kind or just nice to someone can make their whole entire day meaningful, if they felt they had no worth. For friends who have lost a parent, try to be aware of that and not be so proud of your own around them/talk excessively around them about your perfect, happy, family. It does hurt. They aren't going to say that. Its just a reminder that they don't have what you do, and they can't go buy it or change it. Don't misunderstand me, I didn't say you can't mention the word mom or dad, but, be cautious of how often and WHAT you tell the friends who are grieving. Grieving lasts for many months/years/life. It is NOT a few weeks and back at it, no matter how happy the friend seems, there is a pain in their heart only they can feel. Don't make that pain any larger by being unaware of the things you say/unintentionally flaunting. Just be kind and loving.

Thanks for reading! Love you all! Please leave feedback in the comments :)