Dear future child
I don't know you yet, nor do I know if you'll be a baby boy or baby girl. What I do know is that I think of you a lot and wonder what kind of child you'll be. Each time I log onto my least favorite social networking site, I am bombarded with other people's creations of little boys or little girls. I am genuinely happy for them, but it scares the living shit out of me. In order to meet you I'll have to most likely PUSH you out of me, seeing as I dont plan to have a C-section.
I want to know so badly what you will look like. I already imagine a tan, darker complextion because of your father. I want you to know so much yet I want to protect you from it all as well. You arent even here yet.
Im going to bring you into a world of hate, disgust, and racism, but you will rise above it all. You being bi-racial will be a beautiful thing in itself. I pray you are born healthy and perfect, but if God has other plans I will be the best care-taker anyone has ever seen. Whether you are born with a defect or later have cancer, I will be behind you through it all. But let's hope you are a safe, happy, healthy baby who won't ever have to know about pain.
I freak myself out at times thinking what if one of us has to die during or after birth. I watch and read way too many scary shitty things. It worries me, but I stop myself and begin to immidietly think of happy things like rainbows or sunshine.
You are going to be the best thing that will have ever happend to me, but you are also going to change my whole life. I will never be the selfish, lazy, independent woman I know I can be. My whole life is going to be devoted to you. I almost dont want you to have any siblings, because I just want YOU to have everything and anything youll ever want without having to share. But that's so unrealistic, especially knowing your father. I also wouldnt want you to grow up to be the selfish spoiled kid who never had to learn how to share. That wouldnt be good for you.
Youre going to come into the world with two parents and two grandmothers. You'll have one grandpa, and I wish it were differnet. The other grandpa has already been taken away from us. Neither you or I got the honor of meeting him. This is the kind of stuff I am talking about when I say I never want you to know pain. I hope you never have to say goodbye to either of your parents. It isn't fair.The grandpa youll never get to meet did a fantastic job raising your Dad. He's the best man Ive ever known. If youre born a boy, you will be just like him, I know it.
I hope youll have big beautiful brown eyes that I can stare into for hours. Whatever color they may be, I will stare into them for hours, because I have been dreaming of that day for far too long. Most little girls dream of their big wedding day and obsess on everything about that ONE day, not me. I have always always always imagined being a mother. I even played the "mom" role when my sisters and I would play "house" as kids. I just want you so badly.
I fear that I wont always have the answers for you. When you ask me things when youre old enough to talk, I want to be honest with you, but I also dont want to take away from your imagination. I want you to be the brightest, happiest, little kid. When I say these things flashes of Ronan go through my head. I read his mother's blog weekly, and I feel as if I knew her precious baby boy who was taken from her. Part of this blog's inspiration (this post) was due to her. She inspires me to love deeply and be REAL about my emotions. No holding back. Why? For who? Life is too short.
Although I want to meet you so badly, I can wait years. I dont want to bring you into an empty sad world where I cannot take care of you. I dont want to drop you off to day cares or other people's houses. I want to have a set amount of money saved just for you. Your needs, your toys, your college, your everything. I never want to HAVE to say no to you. I only want to say no when its a choice that betters you.
I know once I have you I'll have to re-arrange my whole schedule. I will have to give up so many things. But you know what? Youre going to be so worth it. I love you, and I havent even met you yet.
One day I will be pregnant, when Im married and ready, and that day will be one of the happiest days in my life.
-ssr
I want to know so badly what you will look like. I already imagine a tan, darker complextion because of your father. I want you to know so much yet I want to protect you from it all as well. You arent even here yet.
Im going to bring you into a world of hate, disgust, and racism, but you will rise above it all. You being bi-racial will be a beautiful thing in itself. I pray you are born healthy and perfect, but if God has other plans I will be the best care-taker anyone has ever seen. Whether you are born with a defect or later have cancer, I will be behind you through it all. But let's hope you are a safe, happy, healthy baby who won't ever have to know about pain.
I freak myself out at times thinking what if one of us has to die during or after birth. I watch and read way too many scary shitty things. It worries me, but I stop myself and begin to immidietly think of happy things like rainbows or sunshine.
You are going to be the best thing that will have ever happend to me, but you are also going to change my whole life. I will never be the selfish, lazy, independent woman I know I can be. My whole life is going to be devoted to you. I almost dont want you to have any siblings, because I just want YOU to have everything and anything youll ever want without having to share. But that's so unrealistic, especially knowing your father. I also wouldnt want you to grow up to be the selfish spoiled kid who never had to learn how to share. That wouldnt be good for you.
Youre going to come into the world with two parents and two grandmothers. You'll have one grandpa, and I wish it were differnet. The other grandpa has already been taken away from us. Neither you or I got the honor of meeting him. This is the kind of stuff I am talking about when I say I never want you to know pain. I hope you never have to say goodbye to either of your parents. It isn't fair.The grandpa youll never get to meet did a fantastic job raising your Dad. He's the best man Ive ever known. If youre born a boy, you will be just like him, I know it.
I hope youll have big beautiful brown eyes that I can stare into for hours. Whatever color they may be, I will stare into them for hours, because I have been dreaming of that day for far too long. Most little girls dream of their big wedding day and obsess on everything about that ONE day, not me. I have always always always imagined being a mother. I even played the "mom" role when my sisters and I would play "house" as kids. I just want you so badly.
I fear that I wont always have the answers for you. When you ask me things when youre old enough to talk, I want to be honest with you, but I also dont want to take away from your imagination. I want you to be the brightest, happiest, little kid. When I say these things flashes of Ronan go through my head. I read his mother's blog weekly, and I feel as if I knew her precious baby boy who was taken from her. Part of this blog's inspiration (this post) was due to her. She inspires me to love deeply and be REAL about my emotions. No holding back. Why? For who? Life is too short.
Although I want to meet you so badly, I can wait years. I dont want to bring you into an empty sad world where I cannot take care of you. I dont want to drop you off to day cares or other people's houses. I want to have a set amount of money saved just for you. Your needs, your toys, your college, your everything. I never want to HAVE to say no to you. I only want to say no when its a choice that betters you.
I know once I have you I'll have to re-arrange my whole schedule. I will have to give up so many things. But you know what? Youre going to be so worth it. I love you, and I havent even met you yet.
One day I will be pregnant, when Im married and ready, and that day will be one of the happiest days in my life.
-ssr
I feel the same way except for the biracial thing. Eddie is black lol
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