Marriage & family :)
So I watched my favorite housing show and as expected, I cried. It was so beautiful to see that family get a new home to help the dad who is now paralyzed neck down. Ah. I love to see people help other people. I think it's the most rewarding feeling. It can be through sharing of knowledge, building something, giving your riches, showing someone their own riches, helping a family put food on the table the list just goes on and on... it's amazing.
So anyway, this semester after I stopped working I signed up for another class right away. I needed one last elective and I'd been wanting to take marriage and family (SYG2430) for a longggggggg time. It had to be in a classroom, too. I didn't wanna BS it over the internet. This class is honestly amazing. Everyone should be required to take this at least one time. I'm going to share some things.
If you live in the Jacksonville/Orange Park area I stronggggggly recommend this course with professor Oliver. He is just the best! So all the things I am about to share are my notes/interpretation from professor Oliver.
LOVE MISTAKES!
1) We do not ask enough questions. (When meeting/dating someone new)
Everyone's always afraid of coming off a certain way. But honestly, who gives a shit? You need to know whether or not this person wants kids, smokes, drinks, believes in God, is circumsized/isn't, goes to Church, ect. You have to know these things. Why wait months into the relationship and come to find out you can't agree/deal with their belief/way of life. ASK QUESTIONS.
2)We ignore warning signs
We get so caught up in wanting someone or wanting to be wanted, we don't hear the things we don't want to. For example, you may ask if the person wants kids and they say maybe. You hear "maybe, yes" and when it comes time for that (if it does) the maybe becomes a maybe NOT and you're suddenly surprised...
3)We compromise prematurely
We are willing to just give in so quickly and agree for the sake of this not even formed relationship
4)We succumb to material seduction
5)WE PUT COMMITTMENT BEFORE COMPATIBILITY.
6)We believe words over actions.
7)We settle for security and safety
8)We fool ourselves that looks/attraction doesn't matter because we feel shallow. YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW, looks DO matter. You have to be interested in seeing this person (literally).
9)We fall inlove with potential. (Women especially).
We marry the guy who works at McDonald's because we believe he is working towards his law degree or whatever. YOU HAVE TO MARRY THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU, PRESENT DAY. The words he says may or may not come true.
LOVE MYTHS (untrue statements)
1)True love conquers all
2)There is a perfect person out there
3)There is only one true love for me
4)Expereicing powerful sexual chemistry means there is love
5)When you meet the right person you will know it the moment you see them
6)Hard times bring you closer
The example he gave us is a family who just loses their son. The mom may want to mope and cry for years because she feels if her son was taken she cannot live life anymore happily whereas the father may want to honor his son's life and live every day to the fullest and this often breaks up marriages because they cannot accept the grieving way of their partner. It's so sad but true.
7)If you just communicate more, the relationship would be better.
No, it would be better if you solved the problems versus just talking.
8)Signs of impending failure are easy to spot.
9)It's the quality of time, not the quantity of time you spend with each other that matter.
Obviously the person who believes this doesn't want to spend time with you....
10)If you have to work at it, something is wrong
You will always have to work in a relationship.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER
1)A desire to grow
2)Emotional availability
3)Maturity
4)High self-esteem
5)Positive attitude towards life
6)Similar values (not religious but in general)
7)Healthy family
8)Free of addiction/compulsions
HEALTHY LOVE
1)Allows for individuality
2)Allows oneness with a seperation from partner
3)Brings out the best qualities in a partner
4)Accepts endings
5)Openness to change
6)Freedom to ask for what is wanted
7)No attempts to change or control the partner
8)Encourages self-sufficiency of the partner
9)Cares with detachment (as in not solving all the problems. Letting them fight their battle so they learn)
Oh and he shared that we often misuse the word jealousy and confuse it with envy.
Envy is the desire to have what another person has.
Example: John is off today from work.
I would say: Gosh, I envy you Johhn.
Jealousy is the fear of losing someone to another person.
Example: John hangs out with Lisa every single weekend.
I would say (as the girlfriend) I'm really jealous of Lisa.
Some stuff may be disagreed with, and that's fine, this is just what I'm learning and I wanted to share it :)
-ssr
So anyway, this semester after I stopped working I signed up for another class right away. I needed one last elective and I'd been wanting to take marriage and family (SYG2430) for a longggggggg time. It had to be in a classroom, too. I didn't wanna BS it over the internet. This class is honestly amazing. Everyone should be required to take this at least one time. I'm going to share some things.
If you live in the Jacksonville/Orange Park area I stronggggggly recommend this course with professor Oliver. He is just the best! So all the things I am about to share are my notes/interpretation from professor Oliver.
LOVE MISTAKES!
1) We do not ask enough questions. (When meeting/dating someone new)
Everyone's always afraid of coming off a certain way. But honestly, who gives a shit? You need to know whether or not this person wants kids, smokes, drinks, believes in God, is circumsized/isn't, goes to Church, ect. You have to know these things. Why wait months into the relationship and come to find out you can't agree/deal with their belief/way of life. ASK QUESTIONS.
2)We ignore warning signs
We get so caught up in wanting someone or wanting to be wanted, we don't hear the things we don't want to. For example, you may ask if the person wants kids and they say maybe. You hear "maybe, yes" and when it comes time for that (if it does) the maybe becomes a maybe NOT and you're suddenly surprised...
3)We compromise prematurely
We are willing to just give in so quickly and agree for the sake of this not even formed relationship
4)We succumb to material seduction
5)WE PUT COMMITTMENT BEFORE COMPATIBILITY.
6)We believe words over actions.
7)We settle for security and safety
8)We fool ourselves that looks/attraction doesn't matter because we feel shallow. YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW, looks DO matter. You have to be interested in seeing this person (literally).
9)We fall inlove with potential. (Women especially).
We marry the guy who works at McDonald's because we believe he is working towards his law degree or whatever. YOU HAVE TO MARRY THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU, PRESENT DAY. The words he says may or may not come true.
LOVE MYTHS (untrue statements)
1)True love conquers all
2)There is a perfect person out there
3)There is only one true love for me
4)Expereicing powerful sexual chemistry means there is love
5)When you meet the right person you will know it the moment you see them
6)Hard times bring you closer
The example he gave us is a family who just loses their son. The mom may want to mope and cry for years because she feels if her son was taken she cannot live life anymore happily whereas the father may want to honor his son's life and live every day to the fullest and this often breaks up marriages because they cannot accept the grieving way of their partner. It's so sad but true.
7)If you just communicate more, the relationship would be better.
No, it would be better if you solved the problems versus just talking.
8)Signs of impending failure are easy to spot.
9)It's the quality of time, not the quantity of time you spend with each other that matter.
Obviously the person who believes this doesn't want to spend time with you....
10)If you have to work at it, something is wrong
You will always have to work in a relationship.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER
1)A desire to grow
2)Emotional availability
3)Maturity
4)High self-esteem
5)Positive attitude towards life
6)Similar values (not religious but in general)
7)Healthy family
8)Free of addiction/compulsions
HEALTHY LOVE
1)Allows for individuality
2)Allows oneness with a seperation from partner
3)Brings out the best qualities in a partner
4)Accepts endings
5)Openness to change
6)Freedom to ask for what is wanted
7)No attempts to change or control the partner
8)Encourages self-sufficiency of the partner
9)Cares with detachment (as in not solving all the problems. Letting them fight their battle so they learn)
Oh and he shared that we often misuse the word jealousy and confuse it with envy.
Envy is the desire to have what another person has.
Example: John is off today from work.
I would say: Gosh, I envy you Johhn.
Jealousy is the fear of losing someone to another person.
Example: John hangs out with Lisa every single weekend.
I would say (as the girlfriend) I'm really jealous of Lisa.
Some stuff may be disagreed with, and that's fine, this is just what I'm learning and I wanted to share it :)
-ssr
I don't agree with myth #6. The example given doesn't necessarily bust the myth(Yes I watch a shit load of Myth-busters). It just shows that with all rules there are exceptions, but I think that this myth is at best plausible(again Myth-busters). If all relationships ended when bad shit happens then they'd all end, I don't believe they all do, just most. The rest of the myths, yeah, total bullshit.
ReplyDeleteI know it sounds like hard times bring people closer but it's untrue. When there are money problems or love problems or sexual problems or death related issues-people don't react the same and often can't adjust with the person who is taking the news a whole different way. I used to think hard times did bring people closer, but again that's when I also believed love was enough and could solve anything. In reality, it's not enough. Stress and arguments arise from bad situations. Whether u are still committed and willing to work through the problem at hand is the moment that defines the relationship. But most of the time, people can't take it and walk out/give up. So I stand by the myth =D
ReplyDeleteYes, if you look at the myth as it meaning (ALL) hard times bring you closer then yes the myths are total crap 10 for 10, However as written it states vaguely just "Hard times bring you closer". Now yes, Some and or most who can't take or deal with the bad shit in the hard times will inevitably quit and run away. However, I like to believe that if we couldn't work past the bad things in life to make our lives better(or bring us closer), rather than just suck less, we wouldn't bother having relationships with people in the first place.
ReplyDeleteSome Thoughts